Actually bullying in progress, via Wikipedia
I RSS subscribe to Live Science and consider it to be a pretty decent source of information if you factor out global warming/environmental science mumbo jumbo.
Their article “Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied and Rejected”, caught my eye today. Not so much about my kids, but about a few kids I know, and one in particular.
The article summarizes recent research saying that kids bullied and rejected by peers may have trouble in their future. The article also implies that their social skills cause (but don’t warrant) the rejection and bullying.
In the United States, 10 to 13 percent of school-age kids experience some form of rejection by their peers. In addition to causing mental health problems, bullying and social isolation can increase the likelihood a child will get poor grades, drop out of school, or develop substance abuse problems, the researchers say.
I read the above as “consistently experience” – after all everybody has been rejected at some point in their socialization. If just by a prettier girl, or boy with more options, we each arrive at out own social level through a process of risk. What is different in kids that experience rejection or bullying is they don’t adjust based on the peer feedback.
The article posits that the lack of adjustment is because they don’t pick up on non-verbal cues. The article then, correctly, suggests that parents and teachers work proactively with kids to teach how to detect the feedback, and if the rejection has happened how to decode what happened and adjust.
One of the reasons we yanked our son out of public school was that for all the touted “socialization” advantages of school, they were really quite limited. With just 3 minutes between classes, no talking allowed in class prior to the teacher starting, and a compressed 20 minute lunch schedule spent mostly in line for lunch, when exactly was he going to speak to anybody?
As a home schooler, he still plays with the same neighborhood kids and meets home school groups plus all the other mixed group socialization he gets at the range, stores, and various other outings we engage in (like a tour of the bullet making plant here in town that we did this morning).
As to parents helping with socialization.. that is key. Pay attention. Correct. Parenting is teaching. Show how to do it right, gently correct. I do this ALL the time with my kids. I let them order at restaurants, and then go over how it went. I regularly have my son explain stuff to people in my lieu. We even have a code, where I’ll stop him and say “audience analysis”, and he knows he is not giving the listener what they want. I send them in to get something at the store. I let them handle stuff now, with my help, so they can safely get better at it. I’m spending a good deal of effort teaching new methods of communication – like e-mail.
How else will it happen? By osmosis I guess. But I see working proactively at this as an advantage I can leave to my kids. Most people think my 12 year old is older – based on size (he’s a gentle giant) and also verbal and written skills. That doesn’t happen by accident. These are areas I can affect with modest effort, so why not? It seems obvious. Yet a lot of parents don’t bother. That mystifies me. These kinds of things I can give my kids, (tax free!), that will help them forever.
Other thoughts….
Bullying… As the new kid in MANY schools, I had a lot of experience with bullies. As I think back on them, most bullies were very insecure. I’ve made friends with bullies and I’ve beat the snot (or worse) out of bullies. Both were very satisfying, but the first is probably better for the long term.
Rejection… parents and teachers that tell kids to stop rejecting other kids do the OTHER kids a disservice. Better would be to enlist their help in teaching the other kids how to adjust to the rejection feedback.
